


Never Sleep, Remember to Breathe Deep

by hops



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Ramen, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22453363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hops/pseuds/hops
Summary: (Set after Aubrey touches the crystal the first time)Aubrey tells Duck about her eye.
Relationships: Aubrey Little & Duck Newton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	Never Sleep, Remember to Breathe Deep

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my WIPs since the episode aired. Wanted to get it out there anyway. 
> 
> Title from the Mountain Goats, obviously.

Aubrey sits up in bed, entirely restless, tired of feigning sleep while Dani breathes peacefully beside her. When she stands and walks to the window she sees dawn just barely starting to break, a tiny breath of light coming up from below the treeline that surrounds the lodge. It’s kind of beautiful, but mostly frustrating that she’s still awake to see it. 

She’d come to bed late as it was, Dani already half-asleep in the dark. She had crawled into bed beside her and settled in, murmured a tiny exchange about the day, and promised to fill her in on everything tomorrow. And boy, she doesn’t know how that’s supposed to go, because now it  _ is  _ tomorrow and she’s still got no clue how she’s going to explain her eye, but… 

She sighs, shaking her head and grabbing a hoodie from the top of her pile of laundry (and thinks about how she  _ really needs to do laundry,  _ but there’s so much happening and never enough time) and slips over her head. She shuts the door quietly behind her and pads lightly down the hall. The hardwood feels a little sticky under her feet, and for a moment it’s all she can focus on. Her head’s heavy, pulse quick, feet still moving, and for a split second it all feels the same as touching the crystal, as if every cell in her body were pulling towards the foreign surface, consciousness fading, and— 

She puts a hand on the wall beside her and stops, reeling. A deep breath, and another, and she blinks and starts to walk again. Okay. She’s okay. 

She goes to the kitchen, checking to make sure that Barclay isn’t up yet before she enters his usual domain. She and Dani would sometimes raid the fridge when they’re stoned, but she usually doesn’t venture in on her own. She still kind of feels like a guest in the lodge, though she’s been here for months now. She rummages through the large pantry before she finds a packet of ramen: Sriracha, her favorite. She hopes Jake won’t be too mad that she’s taking the last one. She makes a mental note to get more the next time they— and then she remembers Leo’s store, and the Pizza Hut sign, and the swirling mess of snow. She sighs and crinkles the packet in her hands for a moment, turning it over and trying to focus. 

She forces herself to the cabinets and finds a bowl, fills it with water, and shuts it in the microwave. Over the hum that fills the kitchen, she can hear the lodge shifting, shaking itself awake before anyone else disturbs it. She looks into the glass, watching the bowl rotating, but catches sight of her reflection instead. Her orange eye glimmers in the dim light, so she closes both and tries to breathe again. 

The beeping pulls her out of her head and her hand flies for the handle, stopping it after only one sharp sound. She rips open the package and puts the noodles in the water, then sets the microwave once again.

She leans against the counter. Her eyes are heavy, her temples throbbing, feeling like something terrible and sharp is drilling a hole between her eyes. Her jaw tenses as she navigates a minefield of thoughts of the past few days, weeks, months… Everything feels as if it’s moving faster than she can keep up, but she’s attached to it, dragging behind it, trying to will herself back up to pace. She holds her hand over the sink and turns the water on, just in case, then flicks her thumb and forefinger like she used to absentmindedly at any given time. A small flame balances on her fingertip, warm and pleasant as  _ the Earth abides.  _ She extinguishes it all the same and a tiny ember falls into the sink and washes away. 

As she turns the water off, though, she hears footsteps and her heart nearly stops. She feels lightheaded as she takes a few quick steps to the refrigerator and sinks into the corner beside it. All she can hope is that nobody comes in and finds her there. 

But the microwave is still running, and the footsteps are coming closer, and it’s not like closing her eyes will make this one go away. The microwave beeps and she nearly jumps out of her skin.

The footsteps stop abruptly at the sound. There’s a long sigh from the doorway and she peeks one eye, her still-brown eye, open. 

“...Aubrey?” 

She lets go of the breath she’d been holding and turns to the shape in the doorway: Duck. He looks about as tired and confused as she is. 

“Heeey,” she says. It’s stranger to her that Duck would be here at this hour on his own than anything she could be doing here, where she lives. “What are you doing?” 

“Why are you up here microwaving shit at 5 in the morning?” 

“Why are you  _ here  _ at 5 in the morning?” She folds her arms, grateful for the cover of near-darkness in the kitchen, but knows that it won’t last much longer when the sunrise reaches the windows of the main hall. 

“I was just, uh… I had to work the overnight ‘cause I didn’t work my usual shift yesterday and all, what with all the, uh, the stuff? And Juno covered— no, fuck, not Juno. The— I was— fuck! You know what I’m tryin’ to say. Got done with… work…” He’s visibly sweating now, and Aubrey can’t help but laugh. “Came lookin’ for coffee, nope, not— free breakfast?” 

“You don’t have to lie, Duck, you can just say it’s not my business,” Aubrey snickers. “I’m making ramen, do you want some? That qualifies as free breakfast, right?” 

Duck squints. “What kind?” 

“Sriracha.” 

“Spicy?” 

Aubrey laughs again, feeling lighter at the distraction. She turns back to the microwave and picks up the bowl, not needing to worry about the temperature harming her hands. “Yes, spicy. But just try it, okay? It’s better than frozen dinner, and cheaper, too.” 

“I  _ guess, _ ” Duck says, then pauses. “I don’t  _ only  _ eat frozen dinner, you know.” 

“Don’t you?” She sticks out her tongue but doesn’t look up at him, remembering that she needs to keep her eye on the down-low if possible. She’s glad he’s on her left. 

She tears open the little foil packet and dumps the contents into the bowl, the sharp spices rising with the steam coming off the broth. She opens a drawer and takes a pair of Jake’s good chopsticks. As she mixes the flavor into the noodles she drifts back into her thoughts, only half-aware of Duck’s eyes on her. And then it hits her, again, like it always does at some point: thinking he’d died, thinking  _ she’d killed him.  _

“You gonna eat that or just look at it?” 

Duck’s teasing, but it’s hard to pull herself away. “Y— yeah,” she stammers, setting the chopsticks down. “Just gotta… check out this hack, it’s a good one from when I was broke.” 

She shakes her head clear and walks back to the refrigerator, everything still a little surreal. As soon as she opens it and light touches her face, Duck says, “Uh…” and her heart drops again, and then she feels dizzy, and heavy, like the handle of the fridge is crystal, and every part of her is spinning and heading for blackness. She grabs a packaged slice of cheese and withdraws quickly, slamming the door. 

“Cheese!” she blurts out. 

Duck pauses, just barely locking eyes with her before she quickly turns away. “...Cheese?” he asks, and she nods, throat tight. “You’re puttin’ cheese in that soup?” 

“Ramen’s not soup,” she corrects. “It’s noodles.” 

“It’s noodle soup.” 

“Whatever,” she says, unwrapping the cheese and tossing it into the bowl for it to melt into the broth. “Cheese goes in French onion soup, so…”

“Touche.” As she moves to the pantry for chili flakes, Duck asks, “Uh, what’s goin’ on with your eye? You saw it, right?” 

She considers feigning ignorance for a moment, but she can’t bring herself to. Instead, she shrugs. 

“Man, you’re gonna let that one hang, huh?” Duck says, and she does, opening the chili flakes. “Wait, lemme— lemme try it before you put more spicy stuff in it.” 

Aubrey shakes her head and stifles a little smile. She mixes the melted cheese around and holds out the chopsticks to him. When he hesitates again, she rolls her eyes, reaches into the drawer, and pulls out a fork. 

He wrangles a forkful of noodles and raises it to his mouth, blows on it, then takes a bite. He chews thoughtfully for a moment, then opens his mouth and smacks his lips. “Okay, alright, I can hang. I can hang with that. Just that, though, sorry?” 

She shrugs. She can’t really find her voice. She sets the chili flakes down and takes the bowl into the main hall with the fork and chopsticks. Duck follows behind a few moments later with two bottles of water. She decides to let him find out for himself that they won’t help with the spice.

The sun’s up enough now that the whole hall is full of pinkish light. She’s given up on hiding her eye but can’t quite bring herself to explain it. She doesn’t know  _ how  _ to explain it, anyway. Not even to Dani, or Mama, let alone Duck. 

There’s an awkward pause as Duck sits down across from her and realizes the bowl is too far away to share, so he goes around the table and sits next to her. She hands him the fork. 

“Hey, if it’s not my business, sorry I asked,” Duck backtracks, audibly uncomfortable. “But you kinda look like hell and I’m a little…” 

And it’s  _ not,  _ it’s really not his business, but she feels bad that he’s sorry, and she’s probably being weird as hell, and she doesn’t want him to feel bad or uncomfortable, and she hasn’t told anyone and it’s kind of burning a hole through her. She’s hot and clammy and jittery, opening her mouth to talk and closing it when nothing comes out. She has a mouthful of noodles and chews, but it feels bad, all of it feels bad and wrong and her heart starts hammering and she feels sick again. 

“Woah,” Duck says, reaching for a water bottle for her. “Jeez, sorry, you alright? You look kind of—” 

“I— I touched the crystal?” she says in a rush, more question than statement. 

Duck pauses, then hands her the bottle. “Ah, man. Ah, jeez, Aubrey. I mean…” 

“It felt, um, it’ felt bad. Like, really bad? And I’m not—” She laughs nervously, wipes the back of her hand over her forehead and finds it hot. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s connected or if I’m just being weird or— or—” 

“Alright, just take a breath for me, okay? Hey, it’s cool. What’s done is done.” 

“No, like, I freaked out. Or my body freaked out or something, I don’t know. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and like— like I was dying? That sounds stupid.” 

Duck shakes his head. “Not stupid at all.” 

“Well, yeah, that’s how it felt.” 

“So you… so, your eye?” Duck asks, moving away to get a better look at her. 

“Yeah I don’t know. I don’t know anything, actually. Everything’s bad.” 

Duck purses his lips, pausing to think for a moment. “Let’s slow it down, yeah? Not that— it’s okay that it’s bad, but it doesn’t mean it’s all gone to shit. I mean, you felt like you were dyin’, but you didn’t die! That’s good?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m sorry, Aub, I’m tryin’ here.” 

Her bottom lip quivers despite her best efforts. Her feet are as cold as they were standing out in the snow, watching the Pizza Hut sign fall on Leo’s general store. Part of her wonders if any of this is real, or if she’s still laying there unconscious in the street and Duck really is dead like she thought. It’s not about the crystal, it’s about everything, it’s about her fuckups and her shortcomings, her inability to listen or wait. It’s about hurting people. And it’s about Mom. 

“Stuff keeps happening. Like, weird bad stuff, and I’m so sorry about the— I’m sorry about the Pizza Hut sign.” It feels silly to say it out loud, but her voice trembles so hard that she barely gets the words out. “I thought I killed you, and then I passed out and— something bad happened, before. And I didn’t remember until…” 

Duck sits patiently, watching her work though the thought, not questioning until she’s said all she needs to say. “Everyone’s alright, and that’s what matters. You were pretty shaken up out there, though, do you…wanna talk about it?” 

Though a few tears have fallen, Aubrey can’t help but laugh at how uncomfortable Duck looks. “It’s really okay,” she says, wiping her face. “It’s fine, it’s just like, ugh, fuck.” 

“It’s also cool if it’s not okay, but I get it if my inability to look like a human person turned you off from talkin’ about your problems.” 

Aubrey laughs a little more and shakes her head. “I don’t know. I went to therapy for a while, but I never stayed in the same place long enough to really work through the bullshit.” 

“Your mom?” 

“Yeah.” 

Aubrey sighs and takes the chopsticks back into her hand, taking another bite of the ramen as it starts to cool. She chews, stares down at the bowl, at the label on the water bottle, at the frayed edge of her sweatshirt cuff. 

“Something happened that night. And I think it was my magic, and I didn’t— I don’t know. Maybe it was a dream or something, but… I don’t think it was. My mom died when our house burned down.” 

There’s a long, crushing silence that follows. She shoves another bite of food into her mouth, despite feeling as if she could vomit. 

“Aubrey, I am so sorry.” 

“And I— I forgot? Or I blocked it out? That I ran down the stairs, I hit my head, or something, and when I came to, everything was on fire, and I don’t know. I don’t know what happened, and maybe I don’t want to know.” 

Part of her feels like it’s drifting back there, her feet cold in the snow while her hands and face are on fire in the house. The corners of her vision are faded; she’s dizzy. She’s ashamed and burning in it there and then. All memory and dream and bad feelings. 

She sets her hands flat on the table and tries to ground herself in the moment. “I don’t know what was real and what was a dream.” 

To her surprise, Duck laughs. “Yeah, that one is a feelin’ I know. And I’m damn sorry that you feel it, ‘cause it fuckin’ sucks.” 

“You do?” 

He nods. “Yeah, but I don’t think it’s the same thing. I mean, brains do all sorts of weird shit, but mine might be more of the…” He waves his hands vaguely. “ _ Chosen  _ bullshit? I dunno.” 

Aubrey nods, blinking away tears. “Still sucks though.”

“That it does.” 

Duck has a bit more of the ramen while she sips her water, watching the sun slowly climb through the back windows of the common area. The Lodge is a beautiful place, and at least that much is calming to her. It’s been a long time since she’s had somewhere steady to live. She thinks of Dani, asleep in her bed,  _ their  _ bed, and can’t avoid the little guilty pang that comes with the thought. Maybe she should be talking to her about this instead but…they’re not there yet. Or maybe it’s just Aubrey who’s not there yet. 

“When I touched the crystal, it kind of felt like that. Like passing out, but way worse.” Aubrey sighs. “But it’s like… Maybe it’s got nothing to do with that. Maybe I just don’t have any control over my body! Or my powers! Or like, anything!” 

“Hey, you’re still learning. Hell, when I got…  _ powers…  _ or whatever? I ran in the other direction. It took me forever to even do anything with ‘em, and even then, I kind of wasn’t ready for that. So kudos to you for even facin’ em down.”

Aubrey gives a little dejected laugh and turns away. The silence between them is thick before she finally speaks. "Yeah, you know me and facing down my problems." 

"Now, don't get down on—" 

"When I thought I killed you, and I passed out and whatever? I had a flashback. And like, I went to therapy and stuff, I thought I was…" Aubrey huffs, blinking away tears. "Whatever. Point is, I don't know how to deal with shit, and I don't know how to talk about it,  _ still,"  _ and she thinks of Dani, asleep in her bed, and she doesn't know what she'll say in the morning. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, suddenly aware that the ramen is going cold and she's saying way too much. "And I don't know why I'm saying all this. I goofed and touched the crystal. End of story." 

Duck blows a raspberry, at a loss until he simply says, "Don't think that's the end of the story, Aub." 

Aubrey laughs through her tears. "Yeah," her voice trembles. "You think?" 

Duck takes a forkful of noodles and slurps to fill the silence. He gives her a sidelong look to go on, then nods to drive the point home. 

“Just still have a lot of work to do. More than I thought, I guess. I feel like it never ends.” Aubrey bites her tongue to keep from crying. 

“Take a breath,” Duck says to soothe her, and it’s then she realizes she’s been holding it. 

She takes a deep breath in and closes her eyes. When she opens them, Duck is looking at her with concern. 

“It looks kinda badass, your eye. Just if I’m being honest.” 

Aubrey laughs. “Yeah, I guess. Sure. That’s me.” 

“It is! You’ve saved my ass too, y’know. It’s not all Pizza Hut signs and touchin’ crystals.” 

“I guess,” she repeats. 

“Hey, we’re in this together, okay?” Duck says after a beat. The sun shines into the lodge, the morning making its grand entrance of the morning. There’s a set of footsteps distant in the hallway, and she knows it’s Barclay, coming to make breakfast. Aubrey wipes the residual tears from her eyes. “Okay?” Duck says again. 

“Okay.” 

Duck gives her a playful nudge before standing up with the mostly-finished bowl of ramen. “Gotta get the hell outta here before Barclay has your ass for bein’ in his kitchen at this hour.” 

Duck sets the bowl in the dishwasher and returns to the doorway, looking at Aubrey still seated at the table. She feels just a little lighter, despite the current circumstances. 

“Thanks, Duck.” 

“Anytime.” 


End file.
